Crying inside is something I do a lot these days. I just saw something I wish I'd never seen. I shouldn't have gone looking for answers. I should just retreat into my little shell all over again. Of course it isn't going to work out. Of course I showed up too late. Of course there's no such thing as a happy ending for me. Not even a happy beginning or middle...I hate this. Waiting all week for him to come home... Trying so hard to figure things out for myself. Trying to find a way to believe what everyone else says. I can feel the truth, but I don't want to believe it. I let myself get attatched, and this is just life's way of telling me that I shouldn't have hoped. I shouldn't have even spoken. I shouldn't even exist. What purpose do I have other than to burden others? To burden myself... I have done nothing to better the world. I have only torn myself apart and made others feel obligated. Why am I so saddening? I'm not sure...and I may never be, but I do know that I'm UNWANTED and UNSATISFIED and all around UNIMORTANT. Now all I have to say is this:
"I was shown the illusions and I took them in stride, but I have to accept the truth now and continue to hide. They wanted me to cry and I guess I made them happy, because not a day goes by that I don't try to hold my tears within me. Please spare me the humiliation and pain as I lay motionless...listening to the rain. The gloomy sky makes me smile, but I am not happy, and I haven't been for a while. So how do I cope? I simply don't... It only cuts me deeper and clouds my vision with red. Tell me, what's the point in mending a heart that has always been dead?"
~Me
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